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ENLARGE
ALMOST CLEVER Rick Seley
Like most people, I've spent a lot of time this week watching the Olympics. I enjoy watching the Olympics because it's tough to duplicate the drama created in a world class women's badminton match or in a men's synchronized diving competition. Normally I have to find a dollar while doing laundry to generate that kind of excitement in my life.
Another thing I like about the Olympics is that it brings people together from all over the world to determine who is best at obscure activities and then ranks the contestants in a format we all understand. Everyone knows that the winner gets a gold medal, second place gets silver and bronze is for third. The simplicity of it appeals to me.
In the Olympic spirit I've decided to review the activities of some world-class morons and award medals for stupidity that reaches to the highest levels. The scores are based on boneheaded behavior that range from just plain dumb to ridiculously stupid. Based on what I've seen in the Olympics, I'll assume that the Chinese judge will always vote for the Chinese guy, the judge from Bolivia will vote for whoever is not the Chinese guy, and the Canadian judge will be missing, so mine will be the deciding vote.
Another thing I like about the Olympics is that it brings people together from all over the world to determine who is best at obscure activities and then ranks the contestants in a format we all understand. Everyone knows that the winner gets a gold medal, second place gets silver and bronze is for third. The simplicity of it appeals to me.
In the Olympic spirit I've decided to review the activities of some world-class morons and award medals for stupidity that reaches to the highest levels. The scores are based on boneheaded behavior that range from just plain dumb to ridiculously stupid. Based on what I've seen in the Olympics, I'll assume that the Chinese judge will always vote for the Chinese guy, the judge from Bolivia will vote for whoever is not the Chinese guy, and the Canadian judge will be missing, so mine will be the deciding vote.
The Bronze medal goes to American Mayor James Valley of Helena-West Helena, Ark. Mayor Valley earned his spot among the medalists, not just for being mayor of a town called Helena-West Helena, not for declaring a 24 hour curfew in a 10-block poor neighborhood of his town to stop "random shootings and drug-fueled violence," and not even for deploying local law enforcement officers with assault rifles to keep the drug crazed gun toting poor folk of small town Arkansas off the streets, but for the statement he made to defend his decision.
Mayor Valley actually said, "... the citizens deserve peace and that some infringement of constitutional rights is OK ." Dude, you rock! That's a two-way winner! If you don't know how ridiculous that statement is, you're dumb, but if you do know and made it anyway, you're scary and stupid. Excellent!
The Silver medal goes to Masayuki Ishikawa from the Japanese team. Ishikawa was arrested on the streets of Tokyo for attacking and robbing two victims around midnight last Monday. While mugging people is always dumb, Masayuki raised it to world class stupid by doing it while wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh costume!
Normally just assaulting and robbing strangers while dressed as a loveable children's fictional character wouldn't be considered stupid enough to place you among the moronic elite. As long as people like David Hasselhoff, Sean Hannity and Bob Saget are still speaking into microphones, you have to really push the bonehead boundary to earn a top medal.
Mayor Valley actually said, "... the citizens deserve peace and that some infringement of constitutional rights is OK ." Dude, you rock! That's a two-way winner! If you don't know how ridiculous that statement is, you're dumb, but if you do know and made it anyway, you're scary and stupid. Excellent!
The Silver medal goes to Masayuki Ishikawa from the Japanese team. Ishikawa was arrested on the streets of Tokyo for attacking and robbing two victims around midnight last Monday. While mugging people is always dumb, Masayuki raised it to world class stupid by doing it while wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh costume!
Normally just assaulting and robbing strangers while dressed as a loveable children's fictional character wouldn't be considered stupid enough to place you among the moronic elite. As long as people like David Hasselhoff, Sean Hannity and Bob Saget are still speaking into microphones, you have to really push the bonehead boundary to earn a top medal.
Ishikawa proved he was that kind of stupid when he told the police that he did not wear the Winnie-the-Pooh costume to hide his identity from victims, but rather, because he didn't have any other clean clothes! WHAM! There it is, ladies and gentlemen. That's what separates your average idiot from the truly moronic!
Finally, the Gold medal is awarded to an anonymous Australian man who was recently caught cheating on his wife. I know that guys get caught cheating all of the time and every one of them is a moron for doing it (trust me on this one, guys), but it was how this guy got caught that makes him medal worthy.
This idiot wrote a romantic text message to his girlfriend recounting how much he enjoyed their recent encounter, which is dumb, then accidentally sent the text to his wife, which vaults him right up into medal contention!
Finally, the Gold medal is awarded to an anonymous Australian man who was recently caught cheating on his wife. I know that guys get caught cheating all of the time and every one of them is a moron for doing it (trust me on this one, guys), but it was how this guy got caught that makes him medal worthy.
This idiot wrote a romantic text message to his girlfriend recounting how much he enjoyed their recent encounter, which is dumb, then accidentally sent the text to his wife, which vaults him right up into medal contention!
The reason we know about this world class idiot is because his wife, after receiving the errant text, discovered just how stupid her husband was and shared it with the rest of the world. She posted for sale on E-bay a photograph of the women's underwear (extra-large) and the empty condom wrapper (size small) she found left in her bed along with the story about the text message.
Let's recap:Cheating on your wife is dumb, accidentally texting her sweet nothings meant for your girlfriend is off the charts moronic, but leaving your girlfriend's underwear and your empty condom wrapper in the bed you share with your wife makes you dumber than Bill Clinton or John Edwards and even dumber than me! You, my anonymous Australian friend, are spectacularly stupid and the winner of our Gold Medal!
Rick Seley is a Fallon resident
Let's recap:Cheating on your wife is dumb, accidentally texting her sweet nothings meant for your girlfriend is off the charts moronic, but leaving your girlfriend's underwear and your empty condom wrapper in the bed you share with your wife makes you dumber than Bill Clinton or John Edwards and even dumber than me! You, my anonymous Australian friend, are spectacularly stupid and the winner of our Gold Medal!
Rick Seley is a Fallon resident
