A case against karma

I used to be a big believer in karma. Whether they call it karma or not, I think most people believe that everyone eventually gets what they deserve. We've all been taught that we reap what we sow and that what goes around comes around; but these days I'm not so sure that's true.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in accountability. I've been married for over twenty years, and my track record as a husband is spotty at best, so I'm a leading authority on being held accountable; but I think karma is more than that.

I looked up karma in my handy desktop dictionary (yes, I'm over 40 so I still have a dictionary sitting on my desk) to see what karma really means. According to my well worn 1980 Revised Edition of the Random House College Dictionary, karma is "an action seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or a reincarnation." If that's true, I'm on the wrong side of poop pond without a paddle.

Looking for a loophole, I contacted an old friend who I consider to be an expert in such matters. He explained that karma was like a cosmic accountant who tracks the positive and negative energy we create with our thoughts and our deeds. It's sort of the same concept as Santa Claus knowing who's naughty and nice, only this scorecard is eternal.

While this guy doesn't know the Dalai Lama personally, he does wear sandals year- round and has a poster of Cat Stevens in his garage, so I figure he's pretty much an expert on stuff like this. If he's even half right, I'm really regretting the Seventies about now.

The good news is I think they might all be wrong. You can make a pretty compelling case that people don't always get what they deserve and karma is bogus. Think about it. If karma were real, would there have ever been a second season of Knight Rider and would David Hasselhoff ever have had a job that didn't involve refilling a Slurpee machine?

If people got what was coming to them, Kim Jung-Il would be locked in the basement of some unwashed dominatrix in Mobile, Ala., being whipped regularly and forced to perform karaoke versions of Kevin Federline songs to earn a stale Ritz cracker, but that's not the way the world works.

I'm pretty sure if karma were real, then all of those jerks who drive by us and don't merge at road construction sites until the very last minute would end up overheated beside the road with his wife in the car detailing his many failures as a man and a provider while we drive by smiling and waving. How often do you see that?

If karma tips the scales of justice, then why does David Spade get to date Heather Locklear, and I get a freaking restraining order for a few thousand text messages? Why does a child molester ever get the chance to commit a second offense, and why are 1 out of 10 Americans incarcerated while the Bee Gees have never been held accountable for the sound track to Saturday Night Fever?

I guess I doubt karma because, given the poor judgment I exercised in my youth and my fetish for heavy women in bowling shirts, it seems unlikely that would have ended up a happily married family man. I would say that I haven't done anything to deserve my wife and kids but that would be like saying that Paris Hilton has done nothing to deserve her fame and fortune; some things are obvious.

The truth is that I really want to believe in karma. Something deep down tells me that, eventually, we all do reap what we sow. If that's true, then the fact that I live so well these days can only mean one of two things; either I lived a really good life in the past or I'm going to be reincarnated as one of those short old guys with bad posture and a swollen prostate ... wait a minute!