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Some good news, some bad news
May 3, 2008, 12:05 AM
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I lost my remote last week and ended up with Fox News stuck on my TV for half an hour while I searched frantically for the device.
During that mind-numbing, 30-minute exposure to some pinhead named Sheppard Smith, I heard the words "fair and balanced" about a dozen times.
I'm not a media critic, but I did watch Paula Abdul's video seminar on incoherently critiquing TV performances, and I'd say that Shep's newscast was adequate at best. He should work hard and shoot for fair on next week's show - but he looked great in his suit.
As far as I could tell, there was absolutely no balance to their reporting at all. Every story they told was bad news. They filled us in on the war that the Democrats are keeping us from wining, the failing economy for which the Democratic Congress is to blame, the almost-certain military victory and economic prosperity if we could only keep The Big W for another eight years, and how the Democrats had caused climate change by not allowing Big Business the tax cuts it needs to voluntarily clean up its act.
See what I mean? That's bad news, more bad news, a freakin' nightmare and bad news again. How is that balanced reporting when you only report the bad news? Life is a good news/bad news situation, and it should be reported that way.
For example, the good news is that the Florida state legislature passed a law this week that will allow the good citizens of the Sunshine State to express their religious beliefs by purchasing (for a small fee, of course) a license plate for their car that displays a cross and the words, "We Believe." This is great news because everyone knows that the true path to Heaven is through auto accessories.
The bad news is that on April 25, that very same Florida legislature introduced a bill that would prohibit hanging artificial testicles from the back of pickup trucks! This is not only bad news to the owners of the novelty companies who are now stuck with thousands of tennis balls and hundreds of fake leather drawstring bags, but it now makes it nearly impossible for young women to differentiate between actual drugstore cowboys with compensation issues and wanna-be drugstore cowboys with compensation issues.
The bad news is there are some whackos in the Congo who claim to have a magic ability to steal or shrink a man's genitals. These suspected sorcerers have caused a panic by approaching men and extorting money from them by threatening to render their "junk" useless if they don't hand over some cash. This is really bad news because these sorcerers look like everybody else, and a guy could accidentally bump into one and become a dull lifeless shell of the man he once was.
The good news is that we don't live in the Congo! Here in America, it requires a marriage license, an expensive ceremony and several years of living with the witch before she can render your junk useless and you become a dull shell of the man you once were.
The good news is that the Kentucky Derby will be run today! This is good news because it perpetuates a great American tradition in which rich people get all dressed up, wear silly hats, and spend tens of thousands of dollars to once again prove that one 3-year-old horse can outrun another 3-year-old horse. It's also good news for the horse that wins because for the rest of his life, he his pampered and forced to mate with a never-ending series of well-built females.
The bad news is that it doesn't always work out that way. Former Derby winner War Emblem, for example, has shown no interest in becoming a stud.
His Japanese owners have provided him a harem and a Hugh Hefner-size supply of Viagra, and still War Emblem would rather drink pumpkin lattés and watch "Project Runway" than perform his stud duties. That's tragic news for the rest of us trying to land a gig like that.
See how easy that was? Life really is a good news/bad news scenario, and the news is a lot easier to deal with when it's presented to us that way.
Oh, by the way, the best news is I finally found my remote; the bad news is that by the time I found it, I had missed "Family Guy" again!
- Rick Seley is a resident of Fallon.
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