Blessed with baldness

By JOSH JOHNSON

Editor

Bald isn't beautiful. If baldness was desirable, there would be no Hair Club for Men, toupees or anti-balding drugs with unpleasant, hormonal side effects.

Along with joining the Married Guys Club and Working Stiffs Club, I'm now a member of the Male Pattern Baldness Club, with all the privileges and benefits entitled therein. Like having to wear a hat in the summer for fear of sunburn. Or being recognized in a crowd due to an exposed crown.

I started losing my hair shortly after I entered college. At first I thought there was something wrong with me, but after visualizing my dad, uncles and grandfathers, I realized my fate was determined long ago by genetics.

Baldness makes a young man look older. I rarely get carded if I buy a beer. If I do, it's usually by a pimple-faced teen at a grocery store who calls me sir and wouldn't know my age from my father's. They're just doing their job, I know. When I greet an acquaintance I haven't seen in a few years, I can't help but notice them glancing at my growing forehead.

Some balding men can't accept fate. The outcome is often sad.

Most people have heard of a mullet, an '80s hairstyle characterized by short hair at the front of the head and long locks in the rear - "business in the front, party in the back," as the cliché goes. A college roommate of mine espouses the virtues of a variation of the mullet - the skullet. The skullet is when a balding man insists on keeping his remaining strands long, which results in a fleece of hair that just covers the sides and back of the head. The best example is Hulk Hogan. I think that's why he wears a bandanna, except when he's wrestling. David Crosby has it down to a science.

Another attempt to cover baldness is the combover. Did you know the combover is actually patented? The late Frank Smith, and his son, Donald, came up with the idea in the late '70s. It was even awarded an Ig Nobel prize for engineering in 2004. Maybe there's hope for the skullet.

I've come to terms with my cranial condition and visit Madeline down at the Ideal Barber Shop every couple of months for a quick buzz with the clippers. The result is predictable and leaves little room for vanity.

There are benefits to going bald. Haircuts are a simple affair. There's no need to purchase gel, hairspray, combs or brushes. Some guys pull off a bald head quite well. Michael Jordan. Yul Brynner. Vin Diesel. My father, not known for his long locks, insists his expanding brain is pushing out the hair follicles. Sure, Dad.

In the end, maybe baldness isn't so bad. Especially if my dad is right.

Editor Josh Johnson can be contacted at jjohnson@lahontanvalleynews.com